It was, however, supposed to be a marshmallow. My first two batches were so amazingly successful I got all cocky and thought I was ready to wing it. I was wrong.

I was using my copy of Marshmallow Madness. It has only one vegan marshmallow recipe, which is pretty much the same as the open source vegan marshmallow recipe. I figured once I mastered the basic recipe, I could veganize some of the others.

The first recipe I tried after the basic one was Sea Salt Caramel Swirl Marshmallows. This calls for making up a batch of plain marshmallows, then swirling caramel through the fluff before spreading it in the pan. I am currently addicted to caramel and really wanted to try this recipe, but I was a little worried about that swirling part . . . vegan marshmallow fluff is not easy to work with.

Wrestling the finished fluff out of the mixing bowl and into the pan in the first place is like trying to give a cat a bath. It doesn’t want to go, and it fights back. It’s impossibly sticky in the bowl, and by the time you get it in the general vicinity of the pan it has already started to set. You dump it in and try to push it out to the edges of the pan, but it shrinks back in horror. If it could claw its way back up your hand it would.

The recipe says add some fluff to the caramel, mix it well, put it back in with the rest of the fluff and, “using a large spatula and a figure-eight motion, fold  and swirl the two together.” I got a couple of swirls in before the motion was arrested by the firmness of the nascent marshmallows. As I feared.

When I cut the marshmallows, some had caramel in them and some did not. The ones that did get a hit of the caramel? Indescribably delicious! You’d have to try them to believe it. The rest were nothing to be ashamed of, but I really wanted the caramel flavor throughout. This was where I got my first bright idea: Add the caramel with the syrup! Caramelize all the marshmallows!

My second bright idea: Why not substitute brown sugar for the granulated sugar in the syrup? And while I’m at it, why not use brown rice syrup and a little golden syrup instead of the corn syrup? Altogether, this should result in a somewhat caramelly flavor.

However. For reasons that surpasseth my understanding, it resulted in the aforementioned mess. It never set up, and it even had clumps of Genutine (vegan gelatin) suspended in it. Disgusting and inedible. Why? I don’t know. I actually have no idea. I am humbled.

Oh, and the first bright idea? Tried again, keeping everything the same as the original recipe except for mixing the caramel in with the syrup just before adding it to the fluff. Problem: The vegan recipe requires “quickly” scraping the syrup into the fluff while the mixer is running. If you have a Kitchen Aid mixer, you know how hard it is to add anything to the bowl while the mixer is running.

The “syrup,” once cooked, resembles a hot pan of mucus more than any syrup you’ve ever known. In this case the mucus – er, syrup – hit the whisk and immediately climbed straight up, embedding itself across and within the whisk and choking the top with a rope of hardened syrup. I stopped the mixer and tried to peel it off and put it back in with the fluff, knowing it was futile.

If I hadn’t been up to my elbows in doomed fluff after pointlessly trying to pick out all the hardened bits, and splattered from head to toe with other bits that came flying out of the mixer, I would have snapped some pics of the whole ridiculous mess. Instead, I just have this one:

It doesn’t look too bad here, but keep in mind the remnants are cemented in place. Fortunately, hot water and a bit of elbow grease finally got it all off.

So will I keep trying to make this work? Of course I will! Do I have a great many other things I should be doing instead? Of course I do! Has that ever matter before? Nope, and it won’t matter now! I will be back with the story of my success. Soon.

So here’s a little Q&A I hope will clear things up.

Q. What is pastry cream?

A. Pastry cream is a cooked custard. Anytime you see a pastry with something on top, or something inside, that looks like vanilla pudding, that’s probably pastry cream (sometimes, of course, it may actually be pudding!). You’ll find it in the middle of Danish pastries, under the fruit on fresh fruit tarts, and inside donuts and eclairs.

Traditionally, pastry cream is made on the stove top by heating up milk and sugar, adding a starch to thicken the mixture, and then adding eggs to make it rich and creamy. This basic recipe can be enhanced with extracts, chocolates, nut pastes or other flavoring agents, but basically it’s just that simple.

Q. That doesn’t sound vegan . . .

A. No, it definitely isn’t. But I found veganizing pastry cream to be pretty darn easy.

First, substitute a vegan non-dairy milk for the dairy milk. I use unsweetened soy milk, which has enough fat in it to be pretty reliable in baking. You can use something like rice milk, which is much lower in fat, but results may vary.

Then, substitute vegan cream cheese for the eggs. I used a 1:1 ratio; the formula called for 2 ounces of eggs, so I used 2 ounces of cream cheese.

Q. When you talk about ounces, are you talking about weight or volume?

A. The pastry cream recipe uses weight, because it’s a far more accurate way to measure all but the smallest amounts.

For example, if you measure flour by dipping your measuring cup into the flour canister and scooping it out, the flour will become compacted in the cup and you’ll get more than if you fluff it up and spoon it into the cup. If you weigh it out instead, you’ll get the amount the recipe calls for, no matter how you scoop it.

You can weigh or measure the milk – it should work out the same. That is, a liquid ounce of milk should weigh an ounce.

Q. What kind of lemon and orange oil are you recommending for flavoring?

A. Citrus oils are found on the grocery shelf with the vanilla extract. Be sure to check the label before you buy, and make sure the only ingredients are vegetable oil (often sunflower oil) and citrus oil.

I recommend replacing the lid of the oil bottle with a dropper, which makes it easy and convenient to add just a drop or two to your mixture.

Q. Why would I add citrus oil?

A. A couple drops of orange and/or lemon oil adds a delicious little something-something that enhances any dish calling for vanilla flavoring. Give it a try – and let us know how it went!

Some, like Colleen Patrick-Goudreau’s Joy of Vegan Baking, get it just right; her recipes are elegantly accessible and reliably delicious.

Some, however, instead of making simple vegan substitutions prefer to smack us upside the head with the fact their recipes are freaking vegan, people.

I’ve tried a number of these recipes lately and have come to the conclusion that any recipe that calls for xanthum gum, agar or tapioca starch require careful consideration before proceeding.

I say this now because I have been on a mission to figure out how to make vegan pastry cream with the taste and texture of traditional pastry cream. Seems simple, no?

The problem is that traditional pastry cream is made with eggs. There are a number of ways to replace eggs in a recipe, ranging from commercially produced egg replacers to flax seed, but the recipes I’ve come across for vegan pastry cream consistently call for ingredients like the ones flagged above.

Without getting into all the gory details, I have used these recipes to produce one off-tasting, mucus-like, compost-bound gelatinous mass after another. Tonight I decided I’d had enough, and I was going to take a traditional recipe and adapt in the simplest way possible.

I perused my bookshelf and decided on Michael Suas’ classic Advanced Bread and Pastry. One thing I especially like about this book is that the formulas (textbook-speak for “recipes”) not only list ingredients four different ways (baker’s percentages, metric, US decimal and pounds & ounces), they include scaled-down “test” formulas as well.

I cut the test formula in half, having been burned so many times before, and simply substituted vegan cream cheese for the eggs. Success!

At last, a truly delicious vegan pastry cream that doesn’t look or taste weird. I can’t wait to make bismarcks again!

The following is my formula, adapted from the one in ABP. It is simple, fool-proof, and absolutely delicious. To make more, just double/triple/quadruple/whatever.

Vegan Pastry Cream

10 liquid ounces (1¼ C.) non-dairy creamer for the richest pastry cream; unsweetened soy milk will also work

2½ ounces granulated sugar, divided

¾ ounce cornstarch

2 ounces vegan cream cheese

1¼ ounce vegan butter

Optional: ¼ teaspoon vanilla extract; 1 drop each lemon and orange oil

1. Add creamer or milk and 1 ounce sugar to stainless steel pot and bring to a boil.
2. Mix cornstarch and remaining 1½ ounce sugar in a microwave-safe bowl.
3. Add the cream cheese to the cornstarch mixture and heat in microwave very briefly, just to soften the cream cheese.
4. Stir cream cheese mixture until smooth, but do not whip air into it.
5. When the milk comes to a boil pour 1/3 into the cream cheese mixture and stir until smooth.
6. Add the cream cheese and milk mixture back to the pot, stirring constantly.
7. Boil for 2 minutes, continuing to stir.
8. Remove from heat, add the butter and stir.
9. Add vanilla and/or citrus oils, if using, and mix well.
10. Transfer mixture to a clean bowl and lay plastic wrap directly on the surface to keep a skin from forming.
11. Refrigerate until needed.

From the Viva La Vegan website:

Viva La Vegan Grocery gives living form to the ethical idea that a grocery store can be free from all animal products. We aspire to make living a vegan lifestyle accessible and affordable to the individuals and communities we serve.

Any economic gain in the form of revenue/profit is for the primary purpose of advancing veganisma and not for the purpose of concentrated personal wealth. We support vegan principals as they prevail over self-interest.

Viva La Vegan Grocery is an educational community platform where vegan ideas are supported and exchanged. Our goal is to expose vegan skepticism and conventional dated wisdom as bigotry.

Viva La Vegan bills itself as “The Largest Vegan Grocery Store on Earth.” We haven’t been down to see it in person, but from the photos on the website it does look huge! It clearly enjoys the support of its community and success in its mission.

If you’re not in the Cucamonga area, you can also shop online. Check it out!

We’ll be delivering critter-free comfort food to stores on Friday, October 5, 2012. You’ve been waiting as long as we have, so come check it out!

Portland VegFest 2012 Commercial